Well...

Grandmother supposedly had a heart attack yesterday before I drove her to the ER. And since I'm not sure if anyone is really reading my blog, I'm going to use it as the perfect excuse not to bother posting for a few days. Did I ever mention that my biological mother is a psycho bitch who has her own version of reality that seriously deviates from any other known human being on the planet? I had to be nice to her yesterday cause..well..her mom had a heart attack. I still got into an argument with her..Told her the family could screw themselves, and she got sorta peeved. Wound up catching her in an error of logic and she headed for the door all smiles and passive aggressive happiness. Did I ever mention that my biological mother is a psycho bitch? Anywho, this works out well cause I don't have to remember to tell my friends on our monthly get together day this Saturday, the unfortunate news. Which I keep forgetting. (God I am so self-centered, bahahahaah) Cept there IS one particular friend of mine who can never come for Nerd Day...cause he's a lifeless fuck. Found out it wasn't a heart attack. It had something to do with her acid reflux. So she's fine and dandy. Later.

New Favorite Show

I am a tad drunk right now, but bare with me. I was watching a show on VH1 called Surviving Nugent. It was friggin hysterical. Premise: They took 8 people and put 'em with Ted Nugent. Whoever survives the experience wins $100k. Ok, you know things are bad when the host almost hacks his leg off with a chainsaw on the first day you are together. Things only went downhill from there:

1. The contestants had to pick up animal shit with their bare hands and anything they could carry it with to haul it into the containers.
2. Next there was the "shit toss" where they got into groups of two. One person was the tosser, the lucky catcher wore a helmet with a bucket on top, squatted behind a bale of hay and prayed they could catch the most shit on thir heads so that they cold get a hot meal.*
3. (Best Part) They played "chicken". The contestants had to run towards a truck going about 35-40mph, past posts marked with monetary amounts. The further they got the more money they made. But, it never got past the first guy. He got hit with the truck and had to go to the emergency room. Apparently, he's ok, in case you care. Favorite Quote "I really feel terrible that...uhh...what's his name got hurt." Ted Nugent
4. The first "elimination event" was a russian roulette of sorts. He had 8 mystery drinks on a lazy susan. One of them contained syrup of epicac. The person who vomited went home. Let me say, I have never witnessed a more beautiful spewing in my life. That muslim girl had grace and great control.
5. The losers of some event where they were acting as horses dragging some cart had to extract deer urine from a freshly killed (pre-gutted) carcass. The animal rights activist/vegan** chick sorta freaked out and refused to do anything with the animal...She opted to dig a hole far away from the grand event.

*The male winner of this event was the guy that got hit by the truck. Talk about a waste of good food! **WTF is an animal rights activist/vegan doing with Ted Nugent? Is she completely oblivious to what Ted Nugent stands for? Cause it sure as shit isn't about saving animals and fighting for their rights, unless it's their right to appear on his table at supper. Dumbass bitch.

Cheaters Never Win? Well, FUCK YOU!

Found out the greatest way to cheat on the Yahoo game Text Twist. It sort of started because I had been playing literati and had problems with the allowable two and three letter words. So I did a search and came up with some program that would show you what words you could form from the available tiles. Well, I just sub the letters from Text Twist, and add a "z" at the end(you have to have 7 tiles and text twist shows 6 letters). I've been on the same game for 2 days now. Up to over a million points. Sure, it might take the fun out of winning fairly, but I like to beat the clock and see if I can get all of the answers filled in with at least one full minute on the timer. Besides, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's thought of that, and last night I was too drunk and sleepy to know how to spell "the" without prompting. Cheating ROCKS!!

Main ingredient is FUN

I have recently found out that the main ingredient in Lysol Kitchen Cleaner is FUN - 99.9%. Especially, when it comes to murdering ants. I will let you in on a secret: I have discovered the fine art of ant killing with this miracle product. Not only can you kill the ants, but you can make the kitchen cleaner with each massacre. Following are the steps to success:

1. Lightly mist the ant with Lysol Kitchen Cleanser.
2. Once the back legs become paralyzed and it's running around on only 4 legs (for approximately 10-15 steps) proceed to Step 3.
3. Aim the nozzle directly over the ant and SLOOOOOWLY pull back on the trigger until the ant is basically swimming in a pool of LKC.
4. Sit back and relax until ant is dead.
5. Get paper towel and clean up ant and section of floor saturated in Lysol Kitchen Cleanser.
6. Smile at the nice new clean spot on the floor.

Next week we will discuss how that Orkin commercial that says ants can live underwater for days is not necessarily true when it comes to boiling hot soapy dishwater. Keep your eyes open for our "How to Kill Flies with Windex" article, coming soon.

Ok, this is sorta weird

Did a search on google for "cigarette + ovaltine + gay sex + bert and ernie" and came up with the following pdf:

Check this out Enjoy

Delaware Delayed

Well, it seems that my illustrious new start in beautiful Delaware will be delayed by approximately one week. Thank goodness I didn't take her up on the "just stop by whenever, even if it's 3am. We don't mind" thing she gave me the last time. Otherwise, I'd likely be sleeping in a tent in the backyard. Apparently, a mutual friend from Holland is coming out to visit next week and her son is coming up week after that. I told her if I get a job in the meantime I will likely not be going out to stay with her. I do have prospects in California, unless the Dutch guy decides he wants to fly me out to be his sex puppet. Damn, he's got a sexy voice, "manly" as one friend put it. I must admit that as much as that kind of thing goes against logic, common sense, and my moral principles...I just might do it...YUM - he's edible. It's not likely to EVER happen, but if offered the opportunity I would do it for Grau. It would likely make him happy. If the guy didn't kill me I'd have interesting tales to tell about my ventures. (Remember the guy I went to California with, and how you kept trying to get me to start a blog about these "people", term used loosely, I manage to attract?*) *COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY PLATONIC. If that man had touched me I'd be in jail on murder charges. Maybe I will tell a truncated version of my experiences with that guy some day; but, right now I'm still getting over the shock. Besides, he still owes me money and if he runs across this site, I can kiss it goodbye.

Blogging

Ok, I have nothing interesting or topical to say - like I ever do. Soooo, I'll try to figure out something next week. About all I want to do right now is rant about the utter patheticness which is the job market in my town. The plan I had for pimping out a friend for crack money doesn't seem particularly feasible since they are all pretty much rather fat and oogly. Plus, they have lots of weapons to hurt me with.

Fleeting thoughts

I am debating a few things at present cause I don't really want to go to Delaware...Not that I don't want to go per se; I just don't want to drive. So, I am thinking about going to NIU and getting a Bachelors in Art, then going for my MBA. It's free, so why not? Always had an interest in fiber arts and the MBA would be practical. Might even be able to get myself a job - something my BS in Computer Science doesn't seem to be doing. Also considering finishing up some of the novels and short stories I started mid-to-late 90's for shits and giggles. I had gotten a pretty good reception in the past, but always had this fear of success/failure. Unfortunately, most of my stuff is a bit dated now and I will wind up looking like a Robert Jordan wannabe. I suppose there's always some excuse not to bother trying. I just keep thinking the nice things people have said in the past about my writing were pity-compliments. Never think what I do is good enough. Holy shit, it's 5am and I'm still wide awake. Insomnia sucks...where'd I put that jug wine?

Interesting little snippet

Ran across the following article related to "rivers of blood". Apparently, it was a speech given by Enoch Powell in 1968. If you have a bit of time on your hands, I would highly suggest you give it a looksie, it seems to be fairly interesting from the 15 words I bothered reading from it. Some if it could even be considered topical. I can draw a lot of parallels between the fears of 1968 England and similar fears in 2004 California.

"The supreme function of statesmanship is to provide against preventable evils. In seeking to do so, it encounters obstacles which are deeply rooted in human nature. One is that by the very order of things such evils are not demonstrable until they have occurred; at each stage in their onset there is room for doubt and for dispute whether they be real or imaginary. By the same token, they attract little attention in comparison with current troubles, which are both indisputable and pressing; whence the besetting temptation of all politics to concern itself with the immediate present at the expense of the future."

Read the Rest It makes you think though. We may not want people coming into our countries and changing our way of life, but when looking at America one has to wonder what the world would be without immigrants. People from various cultures infringing upon one another, forcing adaptations and concessions so that they can live "harmoniously". We rebuke persecution for race, creed, religion, etc, but we get upset when we are asked to modify our way of life or our viewpoints because someone or a group of someones has encroached upon our territory against our will. Do we look objectively at the situation and state that we must accept our faith for the good of mankind; or do we take the existentialist view and look out for ourselves and our families? Who is to say who is right and who is wrong? Who are we to judge, lest we be judged? I read that speech and felt a tinge of disgust. A man could judge others based upon the fact they were not his kith and kin, they were "outsiders" and therefore inherently "bad". But, when your way of life is threatened by a wind of change that proves to devastate all that you know, why do we persecute? An example being the old woman in the article who was probably set in her ways and afraid of what she observed going on around her being called a "Racialist" for not wanting to let the outsiders in? I am not a proponent of rascism; I am not a proponent of anti-rascism. Just reading that article made me consider how judgemental and hypocritical of a people we are that we can constantly say and do things to make an individual feel worthless or that they will have no worth in the future, because they do not appreciate forced change and do not abide by the way the status quo tells them to feel/act/react/be. Yes, change is an inevitability of life, but the question is: Who are we to state that one MUST accept an unknown with open arms just because we are told that we should? It's quite amusing that we preach individuality when we are force-fed and forcING the "herd-mentality" down everyone else's throats.

OH NO!!! OH YEAAAAAH!!!

Mary-Kate Olsen being treated for eating disorder

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Teen actress Mary-Kate Olsen, who with her twin sister Ashley has grown into an American pop icon and fashion brand, has entered a program for treatment of an eating disorder reported to be anorexia.

Ummmm, who cares?

Pagnotta said both sisters, who turned 18 on June 13, were going ahead with plans to attend New York University together in the fall.

Ok, THAT is what I am talking about. THEY'RE LEGAL...too bad it's not my lesbian week yet. *Checks calendar and waits with baited breath*

Ahhh, the memories

When I was younger I spent a bit of time in the hospital (over 20 surgeries between 5-14); so I, consequently, spent a lot of time eating hospital food. At first when I read this article I was wondering what the hell was wrong with these people. But, then I remembered how I would stand outside of the cafeteria at the children's hospital in Chicago begging for muffins. It was also a great treat when I actually got to eat INSIDE of the cafeteria. There was a nice ambiance, great food, and it was conveniently located within the same building of the bastards who broke my legs twice a year. Ahhhh, the memories.

Hospital Cafeteria a Hot Spot for Dining DEFIANCE, Ohio - Forget any of the old jokes about hospital food. The cafeteria at the Defiance Regional Medical Center is one of the most popular places to brunch on Sundays. "People look at us kind of funny when we say we're going to the hospital to eat," said Margie Slocum, 65, of Defiance. "You never think of a hospital as a restaurant." A growing group of residents have taken to eating at the cafeteria for very simple reasons — they like the food and it's cheap. The medical center has seen the number of meals served at the cafeteria on Sundays double since the first of the year. Among the items on the menu are pecan-crusted cod along with shrimp and chicken jambalaya. And there's always a vase of fresh flowers at the salad bar. "It's about the best restaurant in town," Slocum said. She believes word-of-mouth has made the cafeteria a success. Slocum and her husband, David, take their children and friends to the hospital for meals, where one person can eat for about $3. Hospitals in general are becoming more creative in their culinary-customer service offerings, said Mary Yost, a spokeswoman for the Ohio Hospital Association. She said a stigma about hospital food still exists, but she said many people are aware of and appreciate good hospital meals. "I think this may be a pretty well-kept secret from the public at large," she said. "But people familiar with hospitals are aware that hospitals are making great strides with their food." On an average Sunday, the medical center in Defiance sees about 125 people for brunch from 11 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Only a few of the customers are hospital patients or employees. Because of the popularity of the brunch, hospital officials are thinking about extending the brunch hours, said Jim Meyer, director of the hospital's food and nutritional services. "If you open a cafeteria and have good food, you will be successful, no matter what," Meyer said. A former restaurant and hotel chef, Meyer created the Sunday brunch shortly after he started his job in January at the hospital about 48 miles southwest of Toledo. The cafeteria also has a catering service and may one day copy other hospitals that offer room service to patients.

So, if you are ever hard-up for a cheap meal, make a stop at the richest hospital in the area. You might find a 4-star meal at a 1-star price. Or, more likely, you will wind up being labeled as a freak for going to a hospital to eat, you fucking ass!

Pity Party

I am rather upset with the way my life is going at present. At 28 years of age, I am single, unemployed, and not financially secure or independant (aka living on my own). This is not how I intended for things to go. I figured after I graduated from college last year I would be on my own by the end of summer...HA, that didn't happen. I am starting to become bitter. Yeah, I know you are thinking "how can she be more bitter than she already was? Is that humanly possible?" Let me tell you that it definately is possible. But, the sad thing is I look at the lives of other people, friends included, and realize I shouldn't be as depressed as I currently am. I think my main issue is the fact that I know I am destined to do greater things. Not great things per se, but greater than the things I am currently doing. I suppose that anyone can do better than wallowing in a quagmire of self-pity, but it's hard to be objective about a situation when the person involved is yourself. The depression wouldn't be so bad if I had the kind where I slept all day. Then each day would fade into the next. But noOOooOOoo, I get saddled with insomnia and my friends all have jobs or families, so it's not like I can pop over at 3am and make them cheer me up. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. My main reason for posting isn't to be a downer, but because I have been somewhat introspective of late. Thinking about past relationships, jobs, goals and aspirations. Through the trials and tribulations of my immediate past I think I am gaining strength. Either I am gaining strength or I am rapidly falling into the depths of disillusionment and will become a homicidal maniac. If the latter is true it might be for the best: three squares, cable, and a free workout facility before I hit the electric chair. Well...to make a long story short, since I don't really think I have told more than a handful of my friends about my future plans I want them to be forewarned that I might be moving out of state pretty soon - as in the next week or two. (NO I am not shacking up with the Dutch guy. Though he is hot and rather lickable. *slurp*) So, if you don't hear from me for a few months, that's likely what is going on. No decision will be made until after I get a few things straightened out here, but I have to do it before I completely run out of money. Cie la vie, je suppose.

Political Whore

Just returned from whoring myself out to the Libertarian Party for play money. It's pretty sad when you sell out on your political beliefs to collect a few signatures for pay. After 6 hours of work, I made about $150 cause I only managed to get 61 people to sign and got kicked off of the property of approximately 5-8 companies - I never knew I could take rejection that well. Better luck next campaign! Seriously though, I may not necessarily be a Libertarian, but I figure that Americans as a whole should have as many possible candidates for the presidential election as possible. Besides, I'm not the most patriotic person around: I am currently trying to devise a scheme that would allow me to be a mail order bride for some western european freak with plenty of money, since I can't seem to hold a job to save my life. I figure there has to be a niche market for pervs with a fat, black, surly midget fetish.

Question

Why the hell do relatives, and people in general, assume you give a rats ass about them when they decided to come over on a whim and ruin your "me time"? Ok, "me time" basically consisted of eating a meal out of a box and watching tv for 5 hours straight. But I wanted to see A Knight's Tale, goddamnit, not go through the effort of opening the door, letting them enter, and then pointedly attempting to ignore them. I even went so far as to put on the closed captioning so I could READ my fucking movie. (Damnit black people are SO LOUD.) Then they have the audacity, or ignorance, to not recognize that you are ignoring them and press you until you finally acknowledge their existence. I would THINK if you've asked someone a question 3 times, and they continue staring at the television with unwavering focus, that it's not too hard to figure out they don't want to talk to you. (Hmmm, maybe I can understand why my aunt called me standoffish about a month or two ago.) I should win an Oscar for my performances at work. People there find me to be gregarious, outgoing, and a real people person. Except for that manager I called a bitch. Then I got all fired and shit. Come to think of it, it was either that or when I threatened to kill and eat one of my co-workers (and no, I'm not kidding about that one). I should call him up one of these days.

This Sad, Sad World

What is the world coming to when a mugger even has the right to bitch about his illegally gained stash??

the ONION Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.

*Edited 6/20/04 to reflect the OH so heinous omission brought to my attention by....duh duh duh duh...MR. ANONYMOUS.

I hate you; I love you

At the behest of a very good friend I have attempted to initiate a blog full of the ramblings and rants I vent on said good friend. I think he is merely attempting to make an ass of me, but...since this is anonymous and most importantly FREE, what the fuck do I care? Well all, this is a temporary location until I get my slacker ass employed and can get my 'puter fixed. In which case I can put up nifty pictures and change the layout to something suitable of a girl with my abilities. I will get back to you with information regarding my "personal" crap. In the meantime, I just realized today is Friday - hey, every day is Friday to the unemployed - so, I better go sit alone in my room and get drunk.* *I would like to recommend the alcohol selection at Trader Joe's to the aspiring alcoholic. That $3 wine ain't bad!